


Nice to Meet You (Can I Be You?)

by orphan_account



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Gen, Human, Identity Issues, Loss of Identity, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, Morally Neutral Deceit | Janus Sanders, Neurodiversity, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:42:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27127393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He starts out small.Quietly, slowly, barely noticeable in the moment. He has to be if he wants the mask to work—after all, it won’t be believable if he rushes. He’s been down that road enough times to know it’ll only end in disaster if he lets his impatience get the better of him.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Everyone
Kudos: 18





	Nice to Meet You (Can I Be You?)

He starts out small.

Quietly, slowly, barely noticeable in the moment. He has to be if he wants the mask to work—after all, it won’t be believable if he rushes. He’s been down that road enough times to know it’ll only end in disaster if he lets his impatience get the better of him.

Patton is the easiest; he’s open, excitable, happy-go-lucky. He wears his heart on his sleeve and speaks his mind, for better or for worse. If there’s anyone out of their friend group that takes “open book” literally, it’s Patton, and Janus can read him no problem.

So, bit by bit, he takes pieces of the other man’s personality and makes them his own. Just to try them on; see how people react. Takes even more when it gets him the attention he’s looking for, the attention that can promise him something different, something new.

The only caveat to this little plan of his is that he hates it. Of course, he hates it, because he and Patton don’t really _mix_. Patton is too emotional, too loving, too _much_ , and Janus, though prone to _some_ explosive behaviors now and again (he _still_ hasn’t done anything about the holes in his kitchen wall), at least _tries_ to keep things calm, for the sake of his own sanity. Janus finds himself tiring of other people’s affection and gushing fairly quickly, growing bored with their adoration and their fawning to the point he just gets annoyed.

Sure, it’s nice, and he at the very least likes his friends enough to keep from lashing out when they piss him off—he wouldn’t talk to them if he didn’t—but it’s just so _much_.

And sure, the fun-loving, pun-making, strict-moral father figure schtick is entertaining for a short while, but returning home exhausted and bitter and angry the moment his mask slips tells him fairly quickly that it’s not something he can keep up long-term.

So, he tries someone else.

Logan is closer to himself, anyway; calm, grounded in reasoning, a no-nonsense, goal-oriented attitude. It seems perfect, at the time, and he has an easier time mimicking and adapting, to the point where he can perfectly imitate the way the other talks about facts or the way he messes with his tie or the deadpan, “you’re-so-stupid-I’m-too-smart-for-this-why-do-I-even-bother” glare he gives people when he’s irritated.

But being the logical, cool-headed teacher-type loses its touch overtime, too. It lasts longer, as it doesn’t take nearly as much energy to maintain as Patton, but after a while he and Logan start to butt heads more and more, the other accusing him of “stealing his identity,” and Janus actually drops him for a few months out of pure spite for simply _implying_ that he could even be a remotely interesting person.

Because the others _aren’t_ all that interesting. That’s part of the problem, the fact that everything is just so boring and dull. He has to do _something_ to distract himself.

And it’s not like anyone’s going to remember “Plain and Logical” Logan in a few years, anyway.

(Eventually, Roman convinces him to get back in contact with the teacher, and Janus does so, not out of guilt or sympathy but simply because he wanted Roman to go to his play and the only way to do that was to “fix” his relationship with Logan, who, understandably, ends up being nothing more than an acquaintance after everything is said and done. He doesn’t put a whole lot of effort in changing that, all things considered.)

The cycle repeats, again and again; not just with his small circle of friends, either, but with just about anyone. If he thinks it’ll get him somewhere, get him something, a free meal, a quick lay, a few minutes of amusement, a spark of something, _anything_ —he’ll read a person from head-to-toe, take their traits on as his own, and strike up a conversation.

It’s easy, simple. Routine.

And the moment it stops benefiting him, that’s it; the mask is destroyed, the person let go, and he moves on. There’re always other people he can find at the end of the day, people he has yet to read inside-and-out.

So what if he ends up alone by the end of it all? So what if he always ends up alone exhausted, bored, _angry_? It beats being bored. It beats being _numb_.

(The worst part is, he doesn’t know how to stop. This has always been the way things are; the way he’s gone about his life since he was a child, the way he’s survived through basically everything that’s been thrown at him.)

(He doesn’t know how to be any different. He doesn’t know how to be _himself_.)

(He wouldn’t be surprised if there’s no such thing as “him” in the first place.)

(He can’t find it in him to care.)


End file.
